My form is so much better than it used to be a few years ago. Persistence is key! I’m really proud of my progress, and am continuously amazed with this body. It has proven me wrong time after time, but I’ll admit it wasn’t easy getting here.
Before I got here, I was self conscious of my body. I was always very thin growing up. I was such an active and distracted child that I would often forget to eat or go long hours without eating. That wasn’t every day, but often happened on busy days like school days. To make things worse for me, I was very picky with my food. I was aversive towards certain consistencies, smells, flavors and temperatures, and struggled to eat most left overs. I was just chronically skinny. Come puberty, my body dramatically started to change, and I didn’t like the attention I was suddenly getting for my appearance. It didn’t help that I was one of the early bloomers. Not-so-coincidentally, I started doing minimal workouts around the same time. As my body continued to change, and my hormones exploded, and brain focused on fight, flight or freeze, I started to develop an eating disorder. The patterns were all there already, they just needed to go that extra mile. In poor company, I started to take my eating habits to extremes. I did the same thing I always did; I kept myself so busy that I’d forget to eat or just distract myself with mindless activity to go long hours without eating. Except I tested my limits. The times between meals got longer, and the days got busier. And It worked, for a while. All I accomplished was experiencing the worst digestive and abdominal pain in my life. I was moody. I was depressed. I was anxious. Behind my chemically damaged hair and makeup, I looked like shit and I felt like shit. I had dark circles under my eyes all the time. When I started college, I told myself I would start fresh. But some of my habits remained. It never got out of control, but I still struggled to be healthy my freshman year at college. By some miracle, I met this guy who changed my entire life in my sophomore year. After 6 months, we started going to the gym together, and well, the rest is history. I’m so grateful to finally be healthy.
Slowly working towards L-sit pull-ups! I could do 3x8 strict form pull-ups no problem, so I thought it's time to make things more difficult 💪🏽 keeping my thighs parallel to the floor engages my core AND hip flexors like crazy! Plus, climbing at least twice a week helps with developing even upper body strength. When I look back at old videos of me doing pull ups, I'm humbled by my own progress. I love how strong I'm becoming, and I adore my muscles! Over three years into my fitness journey with no end in sight 🤘🏽😜
Sometimes accidental pictures are the best pictures. But this is...well, me.
I had just shaven my head the night before this picture, a bit impulsively. But it felt like freedom. Liberation. It always does. To separate myself from my thick and curly locks is to remind myself of the real person that hides beneath it. I've gotten more compliments than I could've ever imagined. But I've also received ridicule and criticism from family and friends... "when are you going to grow your hair out?" And to that I just laugh. I cannot be a whole a complete person without hair, apparently. I can't be a "woman" without hair, apparently. You are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to ignore it. This is... me.
There is something incredibly vulnerable and raw about a bald head. It taught me about my past obsession with vanity, and how damaging that was to my self-esteem. It taught me about my insecurities, and my self-doubt. It taught me that I am free to choose who I want to be, and how I want to live in this life. This is... me.
When I look at this photo, I see a human. Unfiltered. Uncensored. Unintentional. I've come to love myself the way my mother loved my baby feet. I am imperfect and precious. Flawed and feisty. Stubborn and strong-willed. Beautiful and bare.
This is...Me. ..
My #mcm goes out to @sketchyturtle91 today, and everyday. This wonderful guy right here got me tickets to see one of my favorite artists, Gramatik, as my Valentine's Day gift this past February. Finally the day came! June 17, We drove down to the Red Rocks and had an unbelievably wild night. The crowd was insane, the show was incredible, and I felt simultaneously high on life and exhausted as hell when we took this picture. I danced the night away, and I'm so glad I had my love by my side (even if he can't dance 😜). What a mind-blowing experience! Till next time Red Rocks! We will definitely be back 🤙🏽😎
I've been encouraged not to participate in class since I was a child. I always knew the answer. School was always easy. They messed up when they overlooked my ability and left me in a normal classroom. I was distracting and disruptive to my classmates. That's the only thing they saw and cared about. No one thought to think "hey, this child is really fucking smart, maybe that's why they're so distracted", nope. I was disruptive because I was a "bad student" not because school became a painfully boring and easy activity for me. I wasn't learning anything in class, and when I did, I figured it out so quickly that I would immediately go right back to talking with my peers. Teachers were annoyed with me. They didn't see my intellect, they didn't see my strengths, they only saw my weaknesses and punished me for it, again and again. Now here I am, a graduate student, unable to find my voice in class. I have been conditioned to believe that no one wants to hear from the "smart kid" in class. I have been conditioned to be silent, because "everyone else needs a chance to learn, too". What about me? Is my learning irrelevant? Is my ability too much for others? I was told to hold myself back, just to make my classmates feel better about themselves. To this day, I still do it. Everything makes sense to me, so I never have questions. Usually, my mind is somewhere else entirely. I wish I could be honest with people about how isolating it is to be that "smart kid", now a "smart adult". No one likes to hang out with someone who is "good at everything", because they get intimidated, and feel like they can't compete. When did life become a damn competition? All I ever wanted was genuine friendships, but I struggled over and over to find or maintain that. Most people I've met didn't stick around. People have been frustrated with me for having my shit together, because they don't. People have been annoyed with me for my blunt honesty, because they'd rather hear what they want to hear instead of the truth. At the end of the day, I realize that I am different from more than 98% of the people I come into contact with, and there's nothing I can do to change that. #lonely#thoughts
Retreat. Always healing, always renewing, always enriching, and always refreshing. It's a challenge to return back to the fast-paced and chaotic lifestyle of being a graduate student. I spent the last two weeks with plenty of open space to do nothing but think about my mind and reflect upon my life. A break from reality? Sometimes. But it doesn't feel like a vacation. I did a lot of work on myself on the land, on the cushion, and even in my dreams. Now begins the process of reintegrating meditative insights with the life I live back at home. I'll need about a week to transition. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the love and zen I feel in my heart ❤