I have the talking stick now. But for photos. It makes sense, I swear.
A lot of disconnect just hit me at once. Disconnect from old friends, disconnect from new friends (mostly self made by the way, I suck at texting back now). Disconnect from my family, mostly my brother, although that's been happening for a while.
It's the last day of high school for some of my friends. Some of them I haven't talked to or seen for a year. I want to talk to all of them, to learn and catch up and understand. But I am always asking myself if they want me to. I don't see them every day anymore. I can't hug them or high five them or anything. There is a huge year long disconnect for so many people. Where do I even start? I've changed a lot in a year, I can't imagine how they have changed. There are inside jokes and events and drama and relationships and life... things that I did not and will not experience with them. Some of them I can't talk to anymore, and others are distancing themselves more. Widening the disconnect. And I don't understand. I have a whole year of stuff I don't understand, multiplied by who knows how many people. And I don't know where to start or if to start or what to say and ahhh. Blech. College was amazing, but distance sucks. Disconnect sucks.
I'm having trouble putting words to how happy I am right now. Unbridled joy? Pure bliss? Whatever the words, this Mumford and sons concert was extraordinary and wonderful and loud and exciting and oh my god they played all my favorite songs. And the best part? My mom was sitting right next to me the whole time. Gaaaah! Happy sighs.
I owe this band a lot of who I am today. They were the spark that made my love of music roar into life. Back in 2013 I was at my summer camp for the last time as a camper. A few of my friends decided to band together and play a cover of I Will Wait for the annual talent show. Right as they struck the first chord, and I heard the banjo and the singing and the LIFE, I felt something click. I danced and whooped and clapped the entire song. And the next day I bribed a staff member to give me the Wi-Fi password so I could listen to all the Mumford. And then I listened to more and more. I truly listened. Music is the language of the soul. It is universal and personal and creative and bombastic. And I will never stop loving it or this band. Happiest of Tuesdays!
Day 100 (and a half)
This pic may look a little funky. That's cuz it's actually made up of all of the other pictures I took over the past few months. It is a continuation, a collective creation of everything I have done and felt and lived. Because it never stops. I want to never stop making and doing and living. Especially living. I haven't had the easiest time, I had a damaged heart and a very damaged brain. I felt empty and alone and afraid and sometimes overloaded and thought about life and death and no matter how hard I tried I never felt good enough. I missed classes because I didn't want to get out of bed. I told friends I was busy so that I could be alone, and then felt crushingly lonely. I wanted other people to understand. To truly understand. And it felt like no one did. But I talked and I made stuff and I kept moving (thank you to Sam for the wonderful life lesson and video game lesson of just keep moving) and I went to therapy and I got meds (lexapro works wonders) and it started working. Over the course of the 100 days I smile more. I do more. It is a recording of my life and I love it. Every picture, no matter the feeling or quality or number of words is me. And honestly, I like me. Also, fun fact, I looked back on it all today and noticed I repeated day 37 (heh woops) so today is actually day 101 but time is an illusion and stuff so yea 🌞. And this isn't the end. There is no end! I'll never stop sharing and creating and being me, so more pictures and videos and things and stuff to come! FOREVER! YEAAAAA! And also thank you to friends and parents and therapists and psychiatrists and everyone else who helped me get to where I am today, writing this post. I love you and appreciate y'all so so very much. SHAKE AND BAKE! BOOF! HAPPIEST OF HAPPY SATURDAYS! #bakes100daysoflife
Oh! And check out the mosaic here: https://mosaically.com/photomosaic/955ee3a4-1679-424b-9ad0-47d355ed0d0c
Just thought I'd share some of the stuff I've created over the course of the semester. I think it's pretty neat, how bout you? #bakes100daysoflife
And just like that it's done. The official school year is over. No more classes. An eerie sense of calm, but also of controlled excitement. I DID IT. I learned and smiled and grew and struggled and felt empty and sad and talked and texted and called and walked and splashed and swam and flew and sat and wrote and questioned and thought and wondered and ate (ate a lot! Finally tried shrimp guys!) and drank (water) and smoked (not water) and I LIVED. I am in color. And I finished strong. Oh goodness me it is a happy Tuesday! #bakes100daysoflife
This is what happens when you mention free food to college students. Today was amazing. Amazingly bright, amazingly thought provoking, amazing weather. Finals went well. My psychiatrist told me my progress is extraordinary and I don't need to see him as often. Old bakey boy isn't doing half bad. #bakes100daysoflife
Oh my god. Finals. I'll give a longer update tomorrow when I have more brain space. 👌 #bakes100daysoflife
Had a wonderful day just being. It felt amazing. And I spent most of it with this mang. Just a couple days left! #bakes100daysoflife